How to know if your relationship is working or not

Not every relationship shows itself very clearly to our defensive minds as to whether it’s working or not. Sometimes we just don’t want to know – or at least our ego doesn’t want to know because then it will mean change and our egos HATE change.

So the simple test: Stop a moment. Think of your relationship. Does it make you happy to think about it or leave you feeling dull, hurting, confused, wishful, pained, __fill in the blank__________. If it leaves you feeling anything like that, you’ve got problems.

I’ve had three kinds. The first one was started when neither of us had a clue about how to do it. I felt hurt, fearful, unhappy and want to leave almost every day for 15 years. I’m pretty sure he did too. We were young and did not know how to treat each other well. The second one would have been the kind to fool most anyone. He was a really nice person. He tried to be a partner but there were the sneaky ways he didn’t tell the truth about himself and what he was up to; the ways I felt wishful that maybe I made a mistake; the discomfort of the imbalance in contributions to our financial well-being. It might have confused me if I hadn’t had my long and hard disaster before it. I knew I couldn’t hold onto something that wasn’t working well ever again.

I think making that decision was what led to the over 25 year never a question, always good and working partnership I have allowed in my life. No confusion. Hurts dealt with right away. Very clearly a well working success story.

What will it take for you to decide to have a good relationship?

Law of Attraction – More

Even with the huge success of the book and movie, The Secret , people still seem to have trouble making the Law of Attraction work for them. Most people are still missing one little factor in making it work for them: you attract what you focus on. So, if you are focusing on what you are lacking, you are drawing to you more  of what you lack. It is very simple. Knock off the self pity after 5 minutes. A very wise woman once told me I was allowed 15 minutes of complaining and feeling sorry for myself a day .

Forget about everything that you don’t have and be grateful for all that you do have. Stop repeating to yourself over and over what you can’t afford and what you are going without. You are just proving to yourself that the Law of Attraction really does work.

Negative thinking is a habit, a bad habit and one that you need to break to make the Law of Attraction work for you. Like any other bad habit, with a strong commitment and determination you can break the habit. Break the negative habit by becoming very aware of your thoughts. If you pay attention to your thoughts for a few days, you will begin to pick up every time a negative thought comes into your mind. When you become good at recognizing these thoughts, then it is time to start to change them. Also, pay attention to your feelings. They are a sure indicator of what you are thinking.

When you find yourself thinking something negative, stop and change the thought to the opposite of whatever it is. Concentrate on this positive thought for a moment and experience how it makes you feel. Eventually, this will become a new habit for you and soon you will automatically begin thinking more positives and less negatives.

And then here is the part that usually always gets ignored. Our thoughts create our feelings. And we are generally actually addicted to our feelings. So our work is really cut out for us. But since life is a journey and a school, what’s the hurry? We’ll likely just come back and choose to do it all over again anyway.

Build Self Esteem

Many people go through life with low self esteem. This is a sad, but true, fact that is made sadder by the fact that it doesn’t have to be that way. Every person on the planet is a special, unique person and deserves all good that comes along. Everyone deserves to feel good about themselves. Many of the littlest things in life can do so much to boost your self esteem.

You can:

• Smile at the people who come across your path today.
• Find something funny to laugh about.
• Turn negative thoughts into positive ones and see what happens.
• See what you can learn from what happens in your life.
• List all your positive attributes.
• Ask your close friends and family what they love about you – and let it in.
• Do something for someone that they don’t expect and let them express gratitude.
• Do something wonderful and kind for someone that they know nothing about.
• Compliment the grocery checkout person.
• Make a “To Do” list and check off each thing as you accomplish it.
• Do something that scares you a little.
• Learn something new.
• Forgive someone.

These things are so simple to do that you will be amazed at what happens when, for example, you do something nice for someone for no reason, do something that scares you a little, learn something new.and you feel better about yourself. There are endless possibilities to love others and yourself. And remember to accept what you can’t change. Give it a shot for a day or two and see how much better you feel about yourself.

Marriage and Money Communication

I haven’t written anything about marriage and money so far but I think it’s a good topic since I believe most marriages have big issues around money.

Like other areas of our lives, we each have our stuff (definition: Ego + Unheard, Unprocessed Emotions + Unmet Needs). I come from a family where there was a lot of fear and denial around money. My mother was very afraid of not having enough. I believe my father was also afraid but he covered it with many layers of denial. So I come by my stuff quite honestly from the environment I unconsciously absorbed for the first 22 years of my life. I’ve certainly experienced fear around not having enough and in some ways covered that over with denial – a fine combination of both my mother’s and father’s emotional imprints.

The Martian has his own but I’ll let him comment on that. Anyway, since we both believe we attract into our lives at the level of vibration our emotional selves are at (Law of Attraction), we’ve done just that. We’ve always had enough even when we lost it all in 2001 at which time we both experienced intense fear for months. I’m guessing that to some extent our financial situation right now is reflective of all those months of fear.

I’m not aware of much, if any fear, about not enough these days but I only know the full truth about it by looking at the results in my life.

So back to money in our relationship. It’s never been an issue. Because of our high level of honesty and communication, money issues fall under the topic “Everything We Talk About” and we know where the other is. Also, because we have a real partnership attitude, it’s never mattered whether I was earning more or he was earning more. When I was earning more doing work I hated, I was very honest about my resentful feelings that he could not do this kind of work and got through them to the benefit of enhanced closeness and communication.

I guess money issues are only a separate issue if you don’t keep them open and honest and communicate whatever is going on with you about them with your partner.

Law of Attraction

One of the keys to succeeding in using the Law of Attraction purposefully, is using visualization. Some even believe it is the key to mastering the Law of Attraction. If you saw the movie The Secret or read the book, you may have thought that you had found the answer.

• First, and this may be surprising to you, let’s just realize that there wasn’t a single new idea or concept in that whole thing that hadn’t been around for thousands of years. The Law of Attraction is a fundamental law of the Universe. There were many, many books written before The Secret that said exactly the same thing, for example, “Think and Grow Rich”.

• Second, nowhere in the book or movie does it tell you how to go about visualization or how to use the Law of Attraction consciously. It just tells you that you need to do it and assumes everyone knows how. Unfortunately, that is not the case.

Visualization is a process that takes time to learn and lots of practice. You need to first have a goal or plan in mind of what you want to visualize about. Visualization without a goal is simply meditation. So, pick a goal and find a nice, quiet place where you will not be disturbed. Turn off the television and your cell phone. Clear your mind of any distractions you may have. If you have trouble with this, it may help to make a list of everything you have been thinking or worrying about. By doing this you can release your mind from the pressure of remembering all those little details. Now just close your mind and start imagining your goals. Get a clear picture of what you want in your mind down to the finest details until you can actually feel what it would feel like to have what it is you want. Try to carry this feeling with you after you visualize and the Law of Attraction will begin working. Actually, the Law of Attraction will work whether you do all of this or not. But it may not attract what you want.

Even in a Happy Marriage

I really love my husband. I respect him. I am proud of him. I am proud to be in a relationship with him. So where does the evil little bitch that I can be come from? Is it from my past? Is it hormones? Is it morning blues? YUK!!!!

Here’s what happened this morning. I got up earlier than usual which for some reason brought me to my computer. That’s always a mistake first thing in the morning. I get pulled into work so now on top of the usual duties I’ve assigned myself in the morning – putting dishes away, making the Martian’s lunch, making his breakfast.  By going to my computer, I now subconsciously have taken on my career duties as well.

So the Martian, who had gotten up before me and was relaxing with a cup of tea on the couch started sharing stuff from work with me. He teaches high school science and physics. He asked me a couple of times if I was listening and I said “yes” although truthfully his talking and relaxing was beginning to annoy me because I was working, stressed, blah, blah, blah – you got it -

Now why would I think that working at 4:30 in the morning is more important than connecting with my husband and hearing a beautiful story about one of his students. It was so moving to him, he was choked up with feeling and I was WORKING!

Oy! Well, fortunately I saw my stuff quickly, apologized and – HOPEFULLY – learned something.

I promise to respect my husband. I promise to respect and appreciate my husband. And I love myself with my pimples, foibles and wrinkles anyway.

Emotional Intelligence – a Scary Road

I grew up in a family where it seemed to me that the only one who was allowed to get angry was my mother. I seemed to be allowed only to be happy or hurt – at least that’s how I interpreted it all. As a result I not only lost touch with my real feelings but I acted the same way in my first marriage as I acted in my family. Happy or hurt.Then I found people, places and tools to teach me functional emotional intelligence. Beyond all the healing I did, my watchword was “tell the emotional truth quickly”. And that’s what I did – particularly in my relationship with the Martian. It was very scary at first. I thought I was risking losing him because my feelings were not all the popular ones. But a funny thing happened. We became closer and closer and we trusted each other more and more.