Gratitude For Unexpected Smiles

I lived in Los Angeles during the big 6.7 magnitude Northridge earthquake of 1994. Waking up to my bed being lifted and shaken was one of the scariest experiences of my life.  It was as if a giant had picked me up and dropped me again.

After quickly dressing and getting out of the apartment, checking in with neighbors and notifying children of our safety, my husband and I decided to take a long walk around the area to see what damage had occurred.

We were amazed to find everyone we walked by smiling and exchanging greetings and warm words with us.

This was L.A. No one ever looks at you as you walk by (unless you’re a beautiful young person.) No one ever smiles. Only  street people asking for a handout ever talk to you.

But the gift we received was connecting to these L.A. strangers’ humanity. Under their fear and apprehension, everyone we met felt as we did – grateful to be alive and wanting to connect. Before this earthshaking event I always thought of Los Angeles as a pretty unfriendly place.

Now when I see  people I don’t know no matter where I am, I remind myself who’s really inside the strangers I see. We don’t have to wait until earthquakes and 9/11 tragedies to have gratitude towards our loving, smiling neighbors.

Introducing, (your name goes here) the great!

Owning Your Power

Our neuroses are the raw material out of which an interesting personality may be crafted.
Original Self, Thomas Moore 2000, Harper Collins, p. 15

These are some of the ways I have held myself back:

• I’ve given certain people too much power. I think they know or can do more or better than I can.

• I’ve protected someone close to me from the judgment of others. For example, I never wanted my mother to know when I was hurt or angry with my ex-husband. I guess I didn’t want to let her think she was right. She didn’t like how he treated me (and I didn’t like how he or she treated me).

• I’ve said I was going to do something – and then didn’t follow through like the zillions of times I said I was going to lose weight – and didn’t.

How have you held yourself back? Are your boundaries being stepped on? Are you your word – especially to yourself?

Here’s an assignment to help you get your power back. Every day ask someone what they value in you. The more stuck or depressed you are feeling the more important it is to ask this question.



Self Esteem and Food Addiction

I’ve spent over 40 years of my adult life in some phase of food addiction. It used to be  so tied in with my low self esteem and poor self image that it could only allow me to look some version of me being perfect to  even be OK. When that was true, all I wanted to do was think I looked OK and then everything would be fine. And since I never could really look OK, the distraction of the addiction hung on.

Now I have quite good self esteem and self image. My self questioning and self judgment about how I look or what I think and do is very rare. That is not to say I think everything I do is perfect. It is to say that everything I do is just OK with me. I trust that I have a lot to offer and I trust that I will not always do what is popular or what works. So what? Before, all I needed to do was be perfect. Now all I need to do is be myself.

I have just recently lost another chunk of weight. Maybe it’s the last time I’ll need to do that. I got rid of all clothes that I can trick myself into thinking I haven’t gain with; the slightly bigger ones that would then allow weight gain to surprise me. That was an old subconscious trick of mine.

Now all my clothes fit; my scale is correct and now I have to self coach. I have to self talk. I have to provide the support for myself that I provide my clients; the support that ultimately they will have to offer themselves. I have to find the part of me that loves myself enough to get over it – whatever it might be in the moment.

I’m going to have to be like the man in Beautiful Mind who just decided that he would live with the delusions that his mental illness gave him and not medicate himself with the less-than-satisfactory drugs he was prescribed. I have to accept that sometimes this food addiction will walk along with me. I just need to acknowledge it, not resist it, and act in my best interests – not its.

How Does Life Coaching Work?

I Like a Coach with Success Where I Want It

Although life coaching has been around for about 15 or so years, it looks like a huge new trend in the self improvement arena – particularly on the internet. Everywhere you look – especially online – you see someone offering life coaching.  People and organizations alike are seeing the benefits of life coaching more and more with today’s fast paced lifestyles and everything pulling you in a zillion ways.

So you may be asking, “How does life coaching work?”

One of the great things about life coaching is that it will help you attain focus in your life. No matter what area of your life you feel you might be stuck in, a life coach can help you. If you are having issues with your job or would just like to further your career or if you have self esteem problems or need help with your finances, a life coach can offer the little nudge that moves you forward.

How does life coaching work? Life coaching is really just having someone to bounce ideas off of and help keep you on track in your personal goal setting. The important part about the coaching is not necessarily that the life coach is smarter than you or knows more than you, but it is a way to focus on what you want your life to be and come up with a plan on how to get there with the support and motivation from an outside, objective person. Although my personal prejudice is that the best coach has succeeded in the area you want help in and has the awareness and communication skills to help you achieve the same – your way, of course.

If you decide to hire a life coach, interview a few and make sure they are a good fit for you. Most life coaches offer either a free, sample session or a good, long conversation to begin to get to know each other and assess the fit.

Relationship Communication

Supposedly, relationships are easy in the beginning.

Relationships are easy in the beginning.  At least that’s what everyone says. In some ways that was true of ours. Sex was easy and plentiful. Newness, excitement and freshness was easy. But I assigned to myself a very big challenge – that I was going to tell the  emotional truth quickly in this relationship. That was one scary deal. I had never done that in relationship communication. As a matter of fact, I went out of my way to be as pleasing as I could be. It didn’t work out very well two times before. So I had to take the chance that it was worth it to be in a relationship with me and that if the Martian didn’t like me and my emotional truth, we weren’t meant to spend our lives together.

And in the beginning it seemed pretty easy for him to hear my emotional truth. Our relationship communication was well in hand.  We’ve talked about it since that time and my conclusion is that because he wasn’t very emotionally tied into me, he could be the perfect listen-only Martian. He didn’t take any of it personally. But as we became more and more emotionally connected, it became more difficult to not take it personally.  We probably both need a quick re-read of The Four Agreements.

Then there is the statement: “When you begin dating someone, it is fun finding out all you can about them and the quirky little habits that they have just make you find them all the more attractive.”  Most of us have experienced that once the relationship begins to mature, things that were once cute are sometimes aren’t so cute anymore. As a matter of fact, they can be down right annoying.

I believe quite strongly that the Universe is in balance meaning that who we are in partnership is no accident and that we “fit” together. If the fit is uncomfortable, then there is growth needing and wanting to happen. Sometimes that growth takes the form of a different way of communicating. Sometimes it requires outside help in the relationship. And sometimes it means leaving the relationship all together. It’s your choice.

Life Coach and Your Self Esteem

The Old Cinderella Story

You know the story. Wealthy, loving, widowed dad meets gold-digging woman. Dad marries women and brings her and her two less than lovely daughters to live in manor. Dad dies and leaves less than loving step-mother in charge of all three daughters. Step-mother is jealous of natural daughter’s inner and outer beauty and treats her like a servant. One day the prince plans a ball that he wants all young women in the kingdom to attend and at which he will choose a princess. Step-mother will not provide clothes for the natural daughter and locks her in the house the night of the ball.

Along comes Cinderella’s Fairy God Mother and with her Magic Wand, provides Cindy with a beautiful dress, glass slippers and turns a pumpkin into a pumpkin coach. You certainly know the rest.

The Real Scoop

Imagine this story as a metaphor for change and self esteem.  Growing up as she did – criticized, belittled, unloved – Cinderella wore her old raggedy self and felt unworthy of fulfilling her real purpose here on Earth (OK. OK. It is a bit pre-feminism to think her real purpose is to marry the Prince. But play along.)

Along comes her Fairy God Mother, waves her Magic Wand and outfits her in the accouterments of real self esteem – enough to make her beauty recognizable to her real purpose.

That Fairy Godmother just waved her magic wand. You can create magic  with a life coach but you will have to do some work. If you are willing, the results will be the same as Cinderella’s. You will be transformed!

Personal Growth or Stagnate

Being human means personal growth and development or stagnation. If you want to grow and develop:

• you’ll need to identify what you do best, and do more of it.
• Identify what you do worst, and stop doing it.

A lot of people have trouble identifying their strengths. Here are five questions to ask yourself that will help you identify your strengths:

Question #1: What do I like to talk about without stopping?

Things that interest you most get you talking on and on. If you have a positive passion, sort out what you like most about it.

Question #2: Everyone is different. Do you get excited by people or by ideas or by things?

If you’re a real people person, you’ll need contact with lots of people! Idea people may want to find more time to write, or do research. People who are great with things are the most mechanically inclined, often the hardware people in our computer world.

Question #3: What do you enjoy most about the things you do today?

The only thing you can do consistently and with excellence is something you really love to do. If you don’t love doing something, you’ll never be anything but good at it.

Question #4: Who can you find who works in a field you like?

Call someone who does something that might interest you. Finding out what you don’t want to do is as important as finding your passion.

Question #5: Who will be your future mentors?

One of the most important things you can do is to find a good mentor and/or life coach. A good mentor has experience traveling the personal growth path you want to travel, likes you, can laugh with you and will allow you to experiment while drawing on their wisdom.