Self-Awareness – How to Write a Love Letter

(originally from John Gray’s Mars/Venus Workshop)^{^[1]}

The effectiveness of the Love Letter technique is based on three principles:

Feeling and expressing emotions increases self-awareness and thus connects you to your true self.
Feelings unfold in layers. Through fully experiencing one layer, another, deeper layer unfolds to consciousness. Each new level brings increasing self-awareness.
The action of writing dramatically increases awareness and, especially, releases you from the grip of unresolved past feelings.

Healing with people who have hurt you or made you angry allows the negative emotional ties to them to be released thereby freeing both your energy and your experience.

ABSOLUTELY IMPORTANT LOVE LETTER RULES

RULE 1. The LOVE part, the end of the letter, will be longer than the ANGER part, the beginning of the letter. Your LEVEL 5: Love, Understanding, Gratitude, and Forgiveness – must be longer than your LEVEL 1: Anger.

RULE 2. These letters are for yourself – to resolve your feelings. NEVER give or send them to anyone without their full understanding of the process and their express permission. In other words, unless they know as much as you do about the subject, do not share these letters with them. They are for you. It is preferable but not required that they write one to you too if someone does agree that this is a tool they’d like to use in your relationship with them.

RULE 3. Do not mentally edit while you are writing. Let ‘er rip. This is the very best time to express all the yucky, non-conscious feelings that might be running your life. You want to get these feelings out for the purpose of changing your negative feelings to positive. Stuffing them does not work.

THE LOVE LETTER TO A PARENT EXAMPLE

Dear Dad,

LEVEL 1: Anger

It makes me so angry to think that you wasted so much of your life by lying and cheating. I hate that I can’t be proud of my father. I hate that you wasted your talent by messing up your life. I hate that you cheated on my mother and lied in all the other ways you did.

LEVEL 2: Sadness and Hurt

I so much want to be proud of my father and it hurts to have very little to say “that was my father” about and be proud and not embarrassed.

LEVEL 3: Fear

I’m afraid I might be like you. I’m afraid not having a positive role model as a father has affected my relationship with men. I’m afraid my poor view of men affects my sons’ views of themselves.

LEVEL 4: Taking Responsibility, Remorse and Apologies

I’m so sorry that I was grouchy with you. I know you have done the best you could with what you have. I’m an adult now and it isn’t appropriate for me to keep blaming you.

LEVEL 5: Love, Understanding, Gratitude, and Forgiveness

Sub-level 1: I want

I want to feel proud of you. I want to focus on how kind and loving and gentle you were. I want to remember your optimism that taught me so much about standing up and starting over.

Sub-level 2: Understanding

I understand how your life as a child and an adult in the world you lived in shaped you.

The rest: Love, Gratitude, Forgiveness

I love you, Dad. I know you have always loved me. I am particularly grateful for the optimistic nature I saw you exhibit. I’ve inherited it and I love it. I’m so glad I get my dimples and good looks from you – and so have my kids. I so appreciate how hard you worked to take care of our family doing work you didn’t like so we would grow up in a good place. I forgive you for all your mistakes. In all the ways you made mistakes as a parent, you have given me the opportunity to grow and become the person I am today.

Love,

Maia

YOUR TURN TO WRITE A LOVE LETTER TO A PARENT

Think of something you might be angry at a parent about. It could be something current or old. Example: Many parents misunderstand their children’s feelings and behavior.

1. Start by writing “Dear” and parent’s name.

Dear __________________,

Parent’s name goes here

2. Now using the sentence “I am angry that. . .” Keep writing everything you are angry at your parent about. You can write more than I have made lines for you to write. (Just remember Rule #1 on the previous page.) Cursing is okay.

I am angry that __________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

I am angry that __________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

I am angry that __________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

I am angry that __________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

I am angry that __________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

3. You can use a timer and write a certain number of minutes for each of the 5 sections of the letter or you can do as my male-ly efficient husband does, and write a page for each section.

4. When you feel complete with the “anger” part or the timer rings or you reached the end of the page, switch to the “hurt and sadness” section by completing the sentence “It hurts that. . .” and/or “I’m sad that. . .”

I am hurt or sad that __________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

I am hurt or sad that __________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

I am hurt or sad that __________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

I am hurt or sad that __________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

I am hurt or sad that __________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

5. Next section is “fear”. Complete the sentence “I’m afraid that. . .” and write what you are afraid of. Look back at the example for help.