My Husband Needs Me to Trust Him
Trust is a huge factor in any relationship and is probably one of the most important things a man needs out of a relationship. That’s what John Gray was teaching when we worked for him and that’s still true. On page 135 of Men Are from Mars, in the second paragraph John says,
“She Needs Caring and He Needs Trust: …When a woman’s attitude is open and receptive toward a man he feels trusted. To trust a man is to believe that he is doing his best and that he wants the best for his partner….”
Men grow up wanting and, in fact, needing to be trusted and counted on in their relationships. And if they can or cannot will make the difference to a woman. A woman can be told over and over again that she can trust you but those are just words. It takes action to prove it and the best way for a man to help build the trust with a woman he is in a relationship with is to consistently follow through on what he says with his actions.
A woman that hears a man say he is going to do things and then actually see him follow up on what he has said and do it will find it much easier to build a trusting relationship than with a man who continuously says he is going to do things but doesn’t stand by his word and do them.
So how does this occur in our relationship? Well, I think we’ve refined this a bit. Life is busy for most of us these days and some of us are a bit forgetful so the Martian might promise to fix something around the house and might need to be reminded. But we have 25 years together and I can tell you that he is the most trustworthy man I have ever met. He always supports me and what I want. We committed to each other at our wedding in front of 100 loving friends and family that we would support each other in any of the ways we want to grow. On this point he is 100% trustworthy. I need my feelings and my sexuality treated with kid gloves. I was emotionally and sexually abused in my past. He passes with totally flying colors. We committed long ago to tell each other the emotional truth and he is unfailing in doing that and doing it lovingly and gently.
Does he always remember to change a light bulb exactly on time? Or fix something that needs fixing? Not always. Sometimes I remind him (trying to remember to “ask as if for the first time” – another Mars/Venus-ism) but on the really important stuff, he is a star Martian.
February 6, 2010 | Tags: relationships, trust in a relationship, understanding men in a relationship | trackback
Category: life tools
“Trust Is a Huge Factor in Any Relationship” as Maia quotes John Gray guy in Men are from Mars. Well, this is a no-brainer, it seems obvious to the most casual observer.
Yes. I need to be trusted by Maia and it has absolutely nothing to do with how fast I change a burned out light bulb.
In fact if all a Martian needed to do to be trusted was change light bulbs there would be a lot fewer divorces, I’m thinking.
It’s so easy to say, “Trust me”. What does it mean?
What it means in our relationship is that I never force Maia into anyplace she does not want to go. Some people say no when they really mean maybe or I want you to convince me. Persuasion techniques do not work on Maia and she trusts me because when we are doing anything together she gets to decide what is comfortable and what is not.
Fill in the blanks – it could be driving fast, strenuous walks, sex, scary movies, and lots of other places where partners in a relationship do not necessarily have the same comfort limits.
IMO, men are conditioned to be providers in our society. They’re not allowed to be the nurturers (like women are conditioned to be) and as such, they need to feel that they are providing – that we trust them to fulfill our needs. While nobody should be expected to fulfill ALL of our needs, when partnered we do rely on each other for different types of support.
If they know they are trusted to provide at least some of our needs, it has to help strengthen their own self-esteem, leading to a healthier relationship.
What I’m really talking about here is when you are already IN a relationship. I’m not talking about when you are first meeting and first dating. During that time it is natural and healthy to “test” someone’s trust-ability to see if any clues you are getting about their un-trustworthiness are how they really are, i.e. the truth, or are you just afraid and mistrust everyone.
But once you are in a relationship, a man wants to feel trusted (and you have already determined that he is worth of your trust).
Hope that helps clarify.
To me, trust is essential with friends and lovers. In fact, I usually have to build trust with a guy before I will get into a romantic relationship with him. If I can trust him to keep a secret, I can know it’s OK to trust him with my heart. As the old saying goes, actions speak much louder than words.