Why do we always fight when…?
One of the things I love to help transform in a client’s life, is the way of their intimate relationship. The relationship advice I give is based on my experience. My own path wound through a 19-year first relationship which produced much pain and 4 kids, a short 1 1/2 year relationship which taught me what I didn’t know about what a relationship could be but wasn’t and, 25 years ago, the one that has it all.
My husband and I have an amazing intimate relationship – amazing if it was the only one we ever had but most amazing because it is a 3rd marriage for us both. “The Martian”, aka my husband, promises to comment on my entries on this topic. We’re calling him Martian because he’s a high school teacher and doesn’t want his students to find him on the internet and we have all that background in the Mars Venus world of John Gray too.
I haven’t fully figured it out but almost every time there’s a weekend or a vacation, the first thing that happens is – we have a fight – small and dumb – but a fight nonetheless. Somebody wrote a song that says something like, “why do we always fight when I ……. something? “
Relationship advice: Maybe we feel safe enough to bring our frazzled energy picked up from the rest of our lives to each other to dump out so we can refill it with the love that we share the rest of the time. It’s like removing the sediment of life so pure, fresh love has room to flow.
I always thought we’d get over it but we’ve been together for 28 years and we did it yesterday as soon as the Martian got home from work at the beginning of his 11 days off. But, as always, we got over it and now things are “normal” again.
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January 27, 2012 | Tags: intimate relationship, Relationship Advice
Category: relationships & relationship tips
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I forget the name of the song or who wrote it but John Denver has a line in a song that goes “why do we always fight when it’s time to go…”
I have learned that fights (at least in our relationship) are very healing. I am not recommending that for everyone, by the way.
For us, it seems we do it unconsciously to get the energy moving. Our communication is always better and closer after a fight.
Maybe I should define fight. A fight for Maia and me is some cross – even angry words which is then immediately is followed by a lot (and here I mean a lot) of talking. The talking is like foreplay and it certainly works.
Some tips:
It helps if during the angry part that we don’t say things that we will regret later. In the 25 years we have been together, Maia has only walked out one time and I have only walked out maybe 2 or 3 times. All of the walkouts were temporary and involved like walking around the block before coming back. It is better if you just stay the room and tough it out. If you must leave, don’t go far or let your partner know when you will be back.
Unfortunately, self-control is severly impacted by intense anger. Persons who are able to manage their intense emotions do not have anger management problems.
FYI: The kind of anger we express and experience looks nothing like loss of self-control. This is just the normal, humans-who-love-and-respect-each-other variety.