Compatibility or Commitment?

Thinking back to the beginnings of our relationship, we had some similar interests – spirituality, personal growth. And there were certainly things that the Martian was and is interested in that I’m not, for example, fixing and learning about cars, skiing, physics (which I blush to say I got a D in in high school) and airplanes to name a few. Here’s what’s happened with me on those subjects:

•    I now share his interest in cars – green cars.

•    I’ve never become an athlete but I am using WII FIT regularly and enjoying it.

•    I’ve found an interest in quantum physics because it veers right into spirituality so that has become a shared interest.

•    Haven’t developed an interest in airplanes except for how they may impact my travel.

But do interests really create compatibility? To some extent I suppose they do but what seems much more important to me is shared values. We both value honesty, strong family relationships, forgiveness, change, commitment, meaning, accountability, responsibility, creativity, fun, laughter, freedom, gratitude, generosity, generosity of spirit, integrity, peace, abundance, prosperity, personal growth. With all that in common, how could we go wrong?

Relationship advice: If you are new in a relationship, begin to have conversations about your values and see what comes of it.

In a social networking environment online, I met another coach. Her work is completely different than mine. She helps people who are reluctant to network and sell. Well, we were chatting on the phone and learning what we each do and thinking about how we could help each other when I got an idea. We could coach each other. She needs help with her relationship with an in-law and I had not been able to come up with a way to network in-person locally that worked for me. I was in the financial services business in the past and found the cold-calling part highly uncomfortable. More recently I have attended local networking groups and have found them either uncomfortable or unfruitful.The other life coach, lets call her Meg, has a very challenging relationship with her daughter-in-law. It was a great idea to help each other out.  I soon realized that I could not rush my life coaching tools into the situations. We needed to take our time and get to know each other and follow what I know works when coaching someone on deep issues.

Turns out Meg gave me a brilliant idea to start my own networking group via meetup.com and I have and the first meeting is next week and it seems that it has gone over very will from the people who’ve joined and are going to attend. So basically my issue appears to be solved. But hers is bigger and will likely take her longer to master.

In an unconscious attempt at trying to help her quickly so our situations and the help we provided each other wouldn’t feel so out of balance, I hurried my process which often includes telling stories of examples of how things worked for me or others – as a teaching tool. But I swamped her with stories in a short period of time. Fortunately, we both realized this error and have come up with a possible solution. We are both comfortable with open, clean communication (a sign of a highly functioning coach), so I have no doubt this will work out fine.

I commit to remember  my own life coaching tools that works and can’t be pushed or pulled for a friend or another life coach or anyone. That doesn’t mean there isn’t flexibility but rather all the parts need to happen to honor each person’s special situation.

Darn! After so many years together and so much love, I can still act like a creep. Yesterday the Martian came home after work. . .

A word about his work. He is 78 and started teaching Physics at an inner city high school at age 70! He gets up each morning by 4:30, leaves the house by 6:00 and gets home most days between 4:30 and 5. Although financial adversity pushed him into this, it turns out he loves it and loves the kids.

Anyway, my part in making this career work for him is to make his lunch and breakfast and provide whatever support I can. With good relationship communication, I remind him of his purpose and the rewards he gets even when it is hard. Sometimes he is just tired and I can help by throwing around ideas with him on how to get the kids involved and learning.

OK. Back to yesterday. When the Martian came home I was washing the dishes for what seemed like the millionth time. I want him to empty his lunchbox when he comes in so I can wash the containers he uses for salad and dressing. Sometimes he does it right away; sometimes not. But I was fighting with feeling very put upon and tired and grumpy so grumpiness is what came out when he didn’t do it the right away. Oy!

If you read 10 Secrets to Keeping Your Relationship Working Happily Ever After -  you know that I had to employ several secrets if I wanted good relationship communication:

Secret #1 – Who is most important?
Secret #4 – Communicate appropriately.
Secret #5 – A matter of respect.
Secret #8 – The small stuff vs. the big stuff.
Secret #10 – Take responsibility.

But doing all of that (which I did as quickly and as well as I could) is what both of us have done for the 25 years we are together and it’s why we can proudly say we are “living happily ever after.”

Some people feel that attitude this is why life coaching is growing by leaps and bounds.

It may be that the growth of life coaching is happening, in part, because people focus on this feeling of fierce competition. The need to feel more secure in life but certainly another reason for the growth in the industry is that life coaching is right up there with really good therapy to produce results (without dredging up why and how there is a problem). Life coaching mostly skips the past part and centers on changing the situation in the now.

The life coaching industry is no different than the mental health industry and there are many coaches to choose from as there are many therapists and counselors to choose from.

If you hire a coach and this service in important in your life and an expensive investment, be sure to  find a life coach that you feel a strong connection with and who has the skills to help you get where you want to go or help you clarify where you do want to go.

For many, it is best to interview a few before you decide on one to make sure you feel comfortable with them. Although if your intuition says “yes” at the first one, you can probably trust it.

You might even get client testimonials from a perspective coach and see how others felt about the services they received.

Because all consciousness grows and is growing now at a speed none of us can really understand, it really isn’t a surprise that a profession that generally focuses on increasing the speed of personal and spiritual growth would be zooming right along also.

Click here and watch the Three Magic Secrets Movie for free – a free self-help ebook!

Do “good” workaholics figure out how to love their work so they can still work a lot?

I think society defines a workaholic as someone who uses work as an addiction. And addictions are supposed to be about running away from feelings or dealing with feelings in an unhealthy manner.

So what I am asking is – am I still a workaholic even though now I love my work?

Many years ago I was a financial planner/financial salesperson. I worked at that job addictively. I think the feeling I was running away from with that job was guilt for not working enough and making enough money.  What a lose/lose proposition that my ego set up: if I overwork, I don’t feel guilty for not working but in order to not feel guilty for not working, I had to work 70-80 hours a week. No matter I hated the job. No matter I had young kids and left them a lot. No matter that although I did make very good money, I didn’t have the positive feelings of self worth or consciousness to be able to feel comfortable with it and so it magically disappeared all the time.  It was an addiction.

Today, I totally love what I do for a living. I coach people to move from one place in their life to another place they’d rather be. Usually I’m working with them closely as they grow as a person in all areas of their lives from relationships to work to writing or creating other ways and many other aspects of their lives they begin to look at through their new glasses or more self worth and a higher level of self acceptance. Since watching people grow is my favorite activity, I love every minute of it.

Also, my work allows me to teach. I get  to watch my own process to see how I have grown or how I wish to grow. I watch my husband, my kids, my friends. I keep learning and teaching. And I get to write about all of this growth and my observations about it.

And yesterday I noticed something about myself. I have a little trouble just doing nothing. I’m fine if I have an activity scheduled over the weekend but just plain do-nothing time, feels uncomfortable.

Could a symptom of workaholism be feeling guilty if I’m not working – even on the weekend and even if I love my work?

Another question I have is – are negative aspects catchable from our partners? My husband usually appears to feel a little guilty when he isn’t working enough. I think I caught it guilt-for-not-working from him.

Or maybe it was the fact that my mother made a very big deal to my sister and I about how hard and how many hours my father worked to take care of us. This, I believe, was her attempt to control us and keep us from asking for too many material things so she wouldn’t feel guilty saying no. Additionally, to give it a double whammy, she bitched at my father without cease about his working all the time – how it was his way of running away from his family.

Looking back with adult, non-victimy eyes and from many years distance, I think that my mother’s impact is the source of my incipient workaholism. Also, as a kid I think I absorbed the righteousness of working a lot. In a certain way it sounded martyrish and even attractive to “sacrifice for your family”. I think I thought if I worked and sacrificed, I’d be admired and appreciated.

Oh, what an awful muddle  the past’s effects are on us!

Every single person could benefit from having a competent life coach to guide them and help them plan their life. It is no coincidence that high paid, high performing sports, business and spiritual people all have coaches in their lives.

How does life coaching work? The life coach helps them stay organized and focused to figure out what their goals are and what the best way is to accomplish them. They help you plan and keep track of your progress and keep you motivated.

Many people coaches feel that one of the best features of having a life coach to work with is the fact that someone is holding you accountable to do what you say you are going to do. Lots of people set goals for themselves and make a plan but with only themselves to answer to, it is very easy to put it off and procrastinate. In most cases, the goals fall by the wayside and life goes on without them ever getting what they really want. But if you are paying a life coach to help you, they will expect you to follow your plan and when you meet with them they will encourage you and motivate you to continue.

Maybe this is all true for many but in my experience of clients they put things off and procrastinate because they don’t see themselves as BIG enough to accomplish what they want to. They don’t believe they can. So, for me, the best thing about having a coach is having one who sees your greatness and holds you accountable to that vision!